Battling the old flesh

This post is personal. I (Lacy) have been going through some pretty personal battles with my flesh in this last year. No, I'm not physically sick. What I mean by flesh, is, those evil desires that I had before I dedicated my life to Christ have started popping up again in my life, and the battle is thick, and several times, I have failed.

The biggest battle I face is selfishness. I am a very self-centered person. I've always been a hot-head. My mom and I fought constantly when I lived at home before marriage, and usually the fight was a "me-me-me" one-sided arguement about what I wanted and I needed and I desired.

But my battle goes deeper than just a bit of selfish pride. I sought to hurt people when I felt wronged. I remember my mom telling me, "Lacy, your tongue is like a sword. When you enter the room, tension builds up, and when you open your mouth, you cut people to the heart."

I was 17 at the time and didn't understand. But oh, how I understand, now.

When I was 22, I read an amazing book called "Created to Be His Helpmeet." I had just started covering my hair with a scarf as a sign of obedience and submission to my husband, and as a sign to myself that I had died to my old flesh and was no longer the same "Lacy". The book really challenged me in one specific area: watching my tongue. I was always under the impression that it was better to speak my mind than to hold it all in. It wasn't until I started truly reading the bible and trying to understand it, that I came across these worthy sayings:

Proverbs 15:28 (NLT)
28 The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.


Proverbs 29:20, 22, 23 (NLT)
20 There is more hope for a fool than for someone who speaks without thinking.
22 An angry person starts fights; a hot-tempered person commits all kinds of sin.
23 Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.


I was really blessed by that book, and by what I had learned, and for about a year and a half, Joshua and I had such a blissful marriage! No fighting, hardly any bickering, and beautiful love. I held my tongue when I could have sputed off at him; I worked diligently with my hands when I was bored and wanted attention; I stayed busy when my time became idol; I loved him and showed him kindness even when he took out the anger of the day on me verbally. But it was so hard for me to keep my mouth shut. I was just so tired of supressing that "deep need" to speak my mind. And, so, one day I just slipped off the covering, walked up to him, got in his face, and told him everything I had ever thought about him.

With that 180 degree turn, that was the end of bliss as I knew it.

We went into the ministry, and I still wore the covering, but I did it only in church worship. I figured, "Why should I pretend to be something I am not? Just obeying the scriptures will be enough."

Recently, I have undergone some pretty serious spiritual battles, all reverting back to my old self - I throw childish temper tantrums, I have a tongue that is also a cutting sword, and I have a self-centered mentality. I have that uncanny knack to hurt people. I let out of my mouth whatever pops into my head. In essence, I feel like such a failure as a Christian. I feel like a mirage of a Jesus-follower, an incandescent image, that if you get to close, you'll realize I'm just not living up to the "real thing."

Today, I had the breakdown of breakdowns when I came under such conviction that I had to leave the sanctuary, crying. I finally understand the depths of Paul's cry, "Oh, what a wretched man I am - who will deliver me from this body of sin?" And when he proclaimed, (in Lacy's translation) 'I know what I want to do, but because my flesh is warring against me, I do the opposite.'

I understand, finally, that the matter is more than just watching my tongue. It is having a true change of heart. "For out of the depths of the heart, the mouth speaks." I remember all those times a few years ago, thinking, "This is too hard to live up to. I'm trying to be someone I am not. I'm a leader, not a follower! If I need to tell someone what I think about them, then better I get it over with, than holding it in and letting it fester!" I was right, I WAS TRYING to be someone I wasn't. That never works. The bible doesn't say, "If anyone is in Christ, he makes himself become a new creation." It says, "He IS a new creation." Only Jesus can do the work that we need done on our hearts. And if we are Christians, trying to live like sinners, we will never escape the conviction of the Holy Spirit.

As I go through this trial, please keep me in your prayers. I don't want to cut with my tongue anymore. I'm tired of people cringing when I walk into a room because they know I'll attack. I am so very weary of feeling so selfish that I can't even see the needs of others. As I said to my husband this morning, through the tears of a broken heart, "I'm so scared to talk to God about this, Josh. He's broken me before, so I know how bad it hurts. I'm so scared to be broken again."

"But," he reminded me, "It's only by being broken that we can be made whole." I have such a wonderful caretaker.

I want to be made whole again. I have many more trials ahead of me. Please pray that I can be a willing vessel to be broken and burned for Jesus. I'm so tired of this same old battle with this old flesh I carry around. I'm ready to take hold of the victory that Jesus has already one for me, and let him finish the battle instead of doing it on my own.